I had a nightmare yesterday. Well, I guess you could call it more of a day-mare since it was during my nap after work. I climbed into bed with my Little Man; his body faced toward me as we dozed off.
In my dream, I was with a good friend and one other woman. Both were chatting about how much of a gift it is to nurse their children and how tragic it is for women who choose not to do so. I listened and watched as they discussed clothing options with easy tank strap clasps and holding positions for the best flow. The conversation wretched my heart, and I silently walked away and wandered around with all the thoughts I’d shoved down into my heart when I heard I had cancer in the ICU. As I wandered in my dream, I hoped and prayed to be found by my friend – for someone to find me and ask why I was so upset.
She found me. I could see every dive and curve of her face as she asked what was wrong. My dream-self cried the tears I did not and could not. I told her how crushed I was that I couldn’t even try to nourish my son after surgery – and that I was frightened by what my body could produce: cancer. I described sitting in the hospital bed with stitches, tubes, and a hospital gown stained with milk that would soon be laced with chemotherapy drugs and poisonous for my child. I cried for my loss. She embraced me softly, as she would in real life, and told me she didn’t know I felt that way – but then again neither did I.
I woke up to see my son and husband (who snuck in after he came back from work) next to me – and fully aware I had a nightmare. Yes, those were feelings I genuinely had and only casually thought about – but they were always overshadowed by the gratefulness I had for the blessing of both Shiloh’s life and mine. The last few days have been days where I’ve connected with strong women of faith and become part of a new community of women and also days where God was really working a heart in me to dive into his Word and to love people around me.
Why was I having a nightmare about something I only occasionally think about, something for which I’ve already been given peace, and when I truly felt the Lord working in my life to become a stronger Christian wife and mother?
I reached into my Toolbox:
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10 (NIV)
That was it! The Enemy was trying to steal my joy, my gratefulness, my peace, and my spiritual progress at the height of my growth to pulling me down to where I used to be.
I will not let this deter me.
I will dive deeper into the Word.
I will love people with a Christ-like ferocity.
I will become stronger.